Today is a grand day, for it is National Bacon Day.
Yes, we are serious. There is a day for literally anything you can think of, so why not bacon? WHY NOT BACON, WE ASK?
Look, we love bacon. There's probably no better meat in existence. It's part of our main food groups, right alongside beer and shame. But this whole bacon fad, well...it's out of damn control. Bacon is suddenly the hipster of meats, and we don't like that one bit. We'd like to go back to the days when we could enjoy our bacon without other bearded bacon freaks winking at us slyly, like they're in on a joke that the rest of the world doesn't know about. It's bacon, you Mumford and Sons reject. Everyone loves it. You aren't special.
Whew, we feel better.
Anyway, like we said earlier, this bacon fad is out of control. So today, in honor of NBD (national bacon day, of course), we bring you the ten worst bacon items you can find on Amazon right now. If you purchase any of these for your own use, you should be ashamed, but you will also have a little bit of our respect to go along with it.
Bacon Flavored Mints
Because when you want your breath to smell better, the first thing you can think about is wintergreen and fake pork, right? These are probably a smoker's dream: make your gross breath smell even worse by adding something similar to bacon to your horrible trash breath.
Bacon Flavored Toothpaste
If you wake up in the morning and you brush your teeth with bacon, you deserve a spot in Azkaban.
Bacon Balm
The perfect salve for those chapped, dry lips, and the perfect way to drive your significant other to never, ever kiss your gross mouth again.
Bacon Flavored Oreos
You'll have to excuse us over here...we just vomited on our desk. Oreos are amazing and bacon is amazing, but combining the two of them is just about the worst. The person that came up with this probably has no friends.
Bacon Candy Canes
Santa Claus would take one look at your nasty bacon sticks and decide that the only present you're getting for the rest of your life is loneliness.
Bacon Soda
We were just recovering from talking about the bacon Oreos earlier and then these horrors from the pit of hell came across our desk. They taste like salt and fat and sadness. If that's what you're looking for in a drink, then please order all of these and either drink or burn them.
Bacon Flavored Cricket Snacks
No words. We have no words. So queasy. GTFO.
Bacon Soap
Gentlemen, here is a surefire way to never win the affection of a lady again. Forget the Old Spice or the special sandalwood bodywash you just received for Christmas. Wash yourself with bacon instead and watch your love life blossom.
Bacon Air Freshener
If you've ordered any of the previous items, you might as well get these, because your life is a mess and your house might as well smell like bacon all the time.
Bacon Flavored Ritz Crackers
Okay, these probably aren't bad. Who among us hasn't stuffed three Ritz crackers in their mouth and then washed it down by squirting bacon flavored EZ Cheese directly in their gullet? Nobody? Anyone?
What do you think?