We Taste Tested All of Taco Bell's New Menu Items

We've all had those late nights in the casinos and at the poker tables. You know the ones, where you're stumbling to the taxi stand and demanding that the driver take you to In and Out. Except In and Out is a tourist attraction no matter where you go, so you need to find somewhere else that's open all the time and that serves cheap food. And then you see it, like a lighthouse on the shoreline: Taco Bell, purveyor of fine Mexican sorta-foods and convenient hours.

For poker players, Taco Bell is great, and now they have some new additions to the breakfast menu that will be absolutely perfect for a disgusting food session after a long night of cards. They also have a new addition to the regular menu.

We tasted all five of these things so that you don't have to.

Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit Taco (369 calories)

So, here's the thing. This is a biscuit that looks like a taco. And if you're going to Taco Bell, you know what you're getting: things of questionable quality and source. This is no different. The biscuit portion is not terrible. We didn't hate ourselves for eating it. But when we took our first bite of the "sausage," well, that's when we started wondering about the life choices we made that led us to this point.

The "sausage" was cold on our first bite and so that was our last bite. Maybe it gets warmer towards the center?

Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuit Taco (380 calories)

This was better. The bacon probably was not actually bacon. It's that kind of bacon you can buy pre-cooked in boxes that are not refrigerated, which should be a cause for alarm because you just don't mess with bacon. But this wasn't bad. We ate about half of it before we got our first taste of regret.

Crispy Chicken with Country Gravy Biscuit Taco (388 calories)

The regret came back in a big way with this one. We're from Texas and chicken tenders with gravy are a very big thing there, which is good because they are awesome. But this...was not good. You don't want to go out for a night on the strip, play poker until 5am and then stumble your way to the nearest Taco Bell only to find this waiting for you. It will not be a happy ending.

Crispy Chicken with new signature Jalapeno Honey Biscuit Taco (471 calories)

NOW we're talking. The Jalapeno Honey is a godsend, and frankly, it makes this one of the only truly delicious things on the Taco Bell breakfast menu. Taco Bell probably should've gathered up the other three variants of the biscuit taco, put them in a trash can and then set them on fire, because this is the winner. It's delicious and is not at all nutritious, which makes it the perfect breakfast food for staying up 24 hours a day.

Sriracha Quesarito (650 calories)

We love sriracha. We're firm believers that it is the best condiment on the planet. You can keep your stupid ketchup and mustard; give us sriracha, or give us death.

But do not give us sriracha in a monstrosity called a quesarito. If you like quesaritos, then we're sorry for your innards. We ate about half of this thing, and the flavor wasn't bad. It was spicy, which is good because we're eating sriracha. And the cilantro rice was good, too.

The problem is that this thing is like 700 calories, and 290 of those calories are fat. This quesarito holds, quite literally, half of our recommended fat intake. So by halfway through, we were once again thinking about the poor decisions that led us to this point.

But of course you go to Taco Bell because you've made bad decisions and don't care what you eat. And if that's the case, well, the sriracha quesarito might be right up your alley.

What do you think?