We're going to shoot straight with you here, okay? There are days we feel old. Like, really old. Old enough that some of our fellow high school graduates are now having grandchildren. What the heck is that all about?
But yeah, getting old sucks. And the worst part about it is that our bedtime is early. If we successfully stay awake for Saturday Night Live, it is a victory in a lot of ways. And so you can forget about us going out and playing poker until the wee hours of the morning, because we are more likely to fall asleep and drool on the table than we are to stay awake. And trust us: you don't want to be the dude that falls asleep and drools on the poker table. You will not be invited back.
We have to rely on caffeine products, because caffeine is more socially acceptable than other methods of staying awake. Here we present you the five best alternative sources of caffeine, for those nights at the casino that feel like they'll never end.
And now, if you'll excuse us, our Golden Girls reruns are on.
1. CoffeeBar ($3 each): Why drink coffee when you can eat it? These bars are handy. Just keep them in your pocket and eat one when you feel your eyelids drooping. Gives you the same energy as a full cup of coffee.
2. Penguin Caffeinated Peppermints ($31 per box): If the nut-and-coffee CoffeeBar isn't your thing, these mints are discrete, so nobody will know the mint you're eating is actually a caffeine-packed peppermint drop of goodness.
3. SumSeed Caffeinated Sunflower Seeds ($1 per bag): If you're like us (and by that we mean old as dirt), sunflower seeds are an almost-daily habit. Kick your seed game up a notch or five hundred with these caffeine-infused seeds.
4. Logona Caffeinated Deodorant ($15 per can): You don't want to be the stinky dude at the table. Do you? No, you do not. Pack this deodorant in your bag and get two great side effects: the caffeine will magically enter your bloodstream through your armpits, and you won't smell like old cabbage.
5. Perky Jerky ($30 per box): We can attest to the power of Perky Jerky. This stuff is awesome, because beef jerky is awesome and is visible proof that a higher being loves us greatly. These strips of beef are also infused with caffeine, making them very popular with Crossfitters around the world.
What do you think?